When should I start talking to my children about personal safety?
We feel confident that you already talk to your children about safety issues.  You teach them to buckle their seatbelts and how to cross the street.  You’ve probably had a conversation about not talking to strangers.

We recommend the same sort of “everyday” dialogue be used with children when talking about challenging subjects like sexual abuse, bullying, etc., and that this dialogue be an ongoing one in the framework of personal safety.  Try to refrain from a “scary” talk when something has alarmed you as a parent.  Wait until you are calm and not in a reactive or panicked mode.

Here are some personal safety messages that can be woven into conversations (NOT ALL GIVEN AT ONE TIME) as your children grow.  Also, keep in mind that you are not trying to prepare your children for every possible scenario or situation that might arise – you are trying to help them learn to be confident and empowered so that they are less likely to become targets.  Those who act as predators against children sometimes look for children they think will be compliant or who appear vulnerable.

Some of the messages below are simple messages even for very small and school aged children.  As you go down the list, you will see that the messages are more appropriate for older children. You want to introduce these gradually, over time, as your children grow, finding moments where it makes sense in your parenting.   (Tweak to fit your family structure and circumstances as well as gender of your child.)

• It’s mommy and daddy’s job to help keep you safe.  We love you so much and want to protect you.  You mean the world to us.  We will do all that we can to keep you safe.
• Your body is beautiful and is yours.  You get to decide if you want someone to hug or kiss you. You don’t have to hug or kiss anyone you don’t want to.  It’s OK to say, “No – I don’t want to hug you.  I get to choose.” 
• The parts of your body that your bathing suit covers (front and back) are your private parts.  
• Only mommy and daddy (and/or name a caregiver) can help you if you need help in the bathroom.  Sometimes a doctor might need to check to see if everything is OK in your private parts.  Nobody else should touch you there.
• If someone tries to touch any of your private parts, I want to know about it.
• It’s not OK if someone wants you to keep secrets from me.
• If someone makes you feel uncomfortable or icky, I want to know about that.
• If someone hurts you in any way, I want to know about that.
• If someone tells you not to tell me something, or scares you, I want to know about that.
• If you are feeling sad or lonely, I want to know about that.
• If you are confused about something that someone says to you, I want to know about that.
• If someone hurts your feelings, I want to know about that.
• In response to:  But why would someone hurt me? — Sometimes older children, teenagers or adults make decisions that hurt other people.  It is usually because they don’t understand that what they are doing is hurtful.  It’s my job to help you if someone hurts you or hurts your feelings or scares you.
• Who do you feel comfortable talking to when you have a problem?  I hope you will always feel comfortable talking to me.  Remember that it’s my job to help you if you are feeling sad or lonely or scared.  (You may also want to identify other people you want to refer your child to if he/she has something to talk about that he/she is uncomfortable talking with you about, like a teacher or school counselor.)
• I want to support you and help you.  I want you to feel like you can trust me with your feelings and your concerns.  I can handle more than you think I can. 
• Not everyone in the world cares about children the way I/we do.  Sometimes people make bad decisions and do things that aren’t right, or treat children in a way that makes them uncomfortable, or even hurts them.  You need to know that it is never a child’s fault if an adult acts inappropriately.
• It is always OK to tell me if something is bothering you.  If you see something going on with one of your friends and your friend seems like she is hurting in some way, I want you to talk to me about that.

For tweens/teens, you can introduce more complex dialogue and have some back and forth.  Here’s an example of how to introduce a complex topic.

• I read a story in the newspaper about a young girl about your age, and a soccer coach (someone she trusted) was touching her in a sexual way.  It went on for a long time because the girl was afraid to tell anyone, and she also believed it was a special relationship and didn’t want her coach to be in trouble.  How do you think you would respond if an adult tried to do something like this to you?  Who could you tell?  If this girl was your friend, what advice would you give her?  (You will want to follow up with your own thoughts, give guidance, praise your youth for showing good judgment, etc.)

How do I respond if my child discloses something to me that is shocking, discloses some sort of abuse, etc.?
Stay very calm.  Typically, if a child makes a disclosure of abuse, particularly sexual abuse, he/she may not tell you the whole story – but give you a small sample of what has happened to see how you will react.  If you respond in a crazy hair-on-fire rant, that child may not tell you anything further.  Be calm.  Take a deep breath.  Say things like:

• I’m so glad you told me.
• Thank you for telling me this.  I know this is hard for you to talk about.
• Tell me as much as you would like.
• This wasn’t your fault.

Don’t make promises you can’t keep or judge the person who the child says has harmed him/her.  Refrain from saying things like:

• I’m going to see that this never happens again.
• Your <uncle/brother/father/mother> is a bad person and should be in jail.

What if the child begs me not to tell anyone?
Let the child know that it is your job and responsibility as a protective adult to do what you think is right.

What if a child hasn’t said anything to me, but I have seen or heard something that makes me think that a child is being harmed — but I don’t know for sure that something has happened?
As an adult in the State of Texas, you are mandated by law to make a report if you suspect abuse.  You do not have to investigate.  Allow the authorities to do that.

What do I do next?
Call 9-1-1 or Child Protective Services.  In the State of Texas, the Child Abuse Hotline is 1-800-252-5400 (and you may remain anonymous) or www.txabusehotline.org for an online report (which may not be made anonymously).  A judge can ask CPS to disclose the identity of the person who made the report, so if the case goes to trial, your name could be revealed.

Will making a report to 9-1-1 or CPS ruin someone’s life?
Oftentimes, we think that taking this action means that a child will be removed from his/her home.  In only a small percentage of time, CPS determines that a child is not safe at home.  The vast majority of time, CPS works with families to help the adults in the family receive services like counseling, parenting, drug or alcohol treatment, etc.  If law enforcement determines that a crime has been committed, they will take appropriate action according to the law.

I am a former single parent.  I got married at 18, had my first child at 19, the second at 21 — and then divorced a few years later when I realized I hadn’t made the best decisions in my young life.  That divorce was the right decision.  I worked full time, started attending college over lunch hours and did the best I could for my very small girls.  I made a decision that my girls would know that I loved them no matter what, that I would be a good mother, that I would learn what I needed to learn in order to provide for them, to build a better life for them than I had once had.  I knew that education was the path to success, and I chipped away at a degree sometimes one class at a time over the next ten years.  

I had many sleepless nights as I realized just how vulnerable we all were, with no savings, no safety net, no strong family support system.  I knew we were one paycheck away from being homeless, and I honestly still can’t pass a homeless woman on the street without thinking, “That could be me.” 

It was a terrifying and humbling time but also a time when creativity emerged.  I connected with another single mom, and we helped each other. We relied on each other for encouragement and logistical support (getting child A from point X to Y and such).  We cried together when we felt desperate or lonely.  I learned how to ask for help when I needed it from other friends, mental health providers and clergy.  I built my own safety net.  I learned.  I grew.  I loved my kids with all that I had.  And we made it through.

I consider myself lucky.  It could have all been very, very different.

When I think back on those times and wonder — what if I hadn’t found the ability to create that support system?  Would my children have been even more vulnerable?  Could I have taken my eyes off of them and exposed them to people who could have hurt them?  Could I have been so exhausted from working full time, going to school, studying, making breakfasts and lunches and dinners – and still trying to find time to play or color or dress up dolls, read to them and sing them a song every night — that I could have, myself, lost my composure and hurt them?  Maybe. Possibly. Humbly – yes.  Any of those things could have happened.  But they didn’t. 

Risk factors for child abuse are varied and complex.  From the US Department of Health and Human Services:

There is no single known cause of child maltreatment. Nor is there any single description that captures all families in which children are victims of abuse and neglect. Child maltreatment occurs across socio-economic, religious, cultural, racial, and ethnic groups. While no specific causes definitively have been identified that lead a parent or other caregiver to abuse or neglect a child, research has recognized a number of risk factors or attributes commonly associated with maltreatment. Children within families and environments in which these factors exist have a higher probability of experiencing maltreatment. It must be emphasized, however, that while certain factors often are present among families where maltreatment occurs, this does not mean that the presence of these factors will always result in child abuse and neglect (www.childwelfare.gov).

So, yes, I was one of the former single moms who was outraged when I read that Wisconsin Senate Bill with its broad brush and simplistic representation of what is, in actuality, a complex and nuanced issue.

And yes, I will always remember and will always remind other moms and those I speak to in the community that we do have to help each other, support each other, and help each other find a way through life’s challenges — for the sake of all of the kids in our community.  If I hadn’t had the help and support of many, if I hadn’t made a decision to do better for my own kids, who really knows what might have happened.

A variety of factors influence which children will find a way to process through their trauma and take a resilient spirit into the rest of their lives.

Some researchers believe that the most important single survival factor for abused children is the presence of at least one person who can provide unconditional positive regard – someone who thinks well of them, and helps them feel important. Many of us can point to a parent, a grandparent, or a beloved teacher who cared for us when we felt broken. Sometimes the kids we see don’t have that. I think our therapists play that role for many of the children we serve.

And sometimes just having a small realization that they are not alone, not different, not damaged – helps abused children take a huge step forward. This may come from a walk through the building and seeing a painting by someone who is the same age. It may also come from a letter from a client who has “graduated” from therapy, such as one left behind recently.

 This is an excerpt from a letter written by a young man who recently left our care; he wanted to pass it on to another client who was just beginning his process:

I am 11 years old and went through the same stuff you went through. I want to give you some advice.

It is OK to cry. It makes you feel better.

Stay strong. Know that you will get better.

Think happy thoughts.

Picture something that makes you happy before you go to sleep.

Keep your loved ones in your heart.

 Words of wisdom that we should all remember. It is indeed a privilege and honor to be present or to hear when one of our young clients has reached a significant milestone on his or her journey. And even more incredible to watch them move beyond their own pain to help ease the pain of a fellow traveler.

We recently experienced the graduation of a client that re-affirmed for all of us that life goes on, that love heals all wounds.  We all watched in amazement as this young man literally danced his way through his graduation ceremony.  Once so lost — now his spirit renewed and shining with possibilities.

What did he dance to?  “What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stronger.”

And that’s why we come to work every day.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has developed Preventing Child Sexual Abuse Within Youth-serving Organizations: Getting Started on Policies and Procedures to assist youth-serving organizations as they begin to adopt prevention strategies for child sexual abuse. The guide identifies six key components of child sexual abuse prevention for organizations. 

Download this resource at:  http://www.cdc.gov/ViolencePrevention/pub/PreventingChildAbuse.html

Please share these tips with your friends:

• Try to remain as calm as possible.  A strong emotional reaction could cause the child to shut down and never speak of the issue again.
• Always believe the child.  Children very rarely lie about such a painful topic.
• Let the child know that she did the right thing by saying something.
• Let her know that the abuse is not her fault.
• Don’t make derogatory comments about the person who the child says has harmed her.  This is a complicated issue, but children who are abused by someone they know and trust do often very much love the offender; they just want the abuse to stop.
• Allow the child to tell her story in her own words.  Do not interrogate her.  At a children’s advocacy center, an experienced forensic interviewer provides a structured interview that is non-leading and non-suggestive and therefore defendable in court.  If there is an investigation into this “case,” it is far better to allow professionals to gather the details in order to preserve the child’s statement.
• Make a report within 48 hours
• Call statewide intake at 1-800-252-5400
• Use the website reporting system at www.txabusehotline.org
• Call 911 if you believe the child is in immediate danger

Every adult in the state of Texas is required to make a report of suspected abuse. 

It is always the right thing to do to make a report, even if you feel guilty or concerned about what will happen next.  Your call could be the call that makes a difference in the life of this little girl.

• We need to heal our own wounded parts.  Many of us were not raised in healthy, nurturing environments.  We have to make a decision that we want something better for our kids.  We have to decide to get help where we know we have issues and challenges.  It’s hard to pay attention to our kids when our own neediness and unfinished business gets in the way. (Definitely not a simple task but critical – for ourselves and for our kids.)
• We need to tell our kids that we love them.  Even if we didn’t get that message growing up — that doesn’t mean that we can’t do something different than we were taught. 
• We need to teach our kids that their bodies are precious and their own, that the parts of their bodies that their bathing suits cover are private parts, that nobody is to touch them there, that we want to know if someone tries to do that.  (Not in an alarmist tone – just as nonchalantly as we can.)
• This also means teaching them the correct anatomical names of all of their body parts.  Yes, I mean the private parts, so some may need to practice saying penis and vagina without embarassment, in the same manner and tone that we would name any other body part.

So, this is where the mood of the room changed fairly dramatically.  We spent a long time on this last one.  We had an interesting discussion about different cultural norms, about how our parents raised us, about fear, about shame.  It was a wonderful discussion with a lot of laughter as everyone shared what their experiences had been, what their fears were.  I told them some stories about children who have had names for their private areas that made it confusing for adults to understand that they were actually making an outcry of sexual abuse.  “My uncle hurt my bunny” for example.

Kids who are confident, who feel loved and valued, who are supported — they are much less likely to become victimized.  Let’s try to get past our discomfort and give these things a try.  At the very least, for today, let’s all take time to tell our kids that we adore them, that we would lay down our lives for them.  

And perhaps when the appropriate time comes (which I hope is very soon), we can all be brave and help our kids rename “JJ” and “stick.”

Talk to someone you can trust like your mom, grandma, teacher, or therapist. For me it is better to talk to a girl like my mom because I feel more comfortable and she can understand me. Now I feel good because my mom supports me. I have learned to not trust everyone. If you are mad at the person who abused you, you can throw a ball at the wall.

I have learned that I am strong and proud of myself for telling my mom. I was able to stop the abuse and I feel like a hero. You are a hero too because you helped stop the abuse. You do not need wings to be a hero-you are a hero because you told the truth. Now I have friends, and I can play the piano.

People thought that I would always be sad for the rest of my life, but they were wrong because you can be happy.

*names changed for confidentiality purposes.

We developed this video-based curriculum and companion booklet with a significant financial investment because we wanted to offer something that was approachable, interactive and impactful. We were then privileged to be the sole source recipient of a grant from the Texas Center for the Judiciary through the Children’s Justice Act to make the course applicable for the entire State of Texas. Once the draft course was developed, it was fine tuned with experts from the fields of forensic interviewing, therapy, child protective services and law enforcement.

We were able to effectively incorporate the ideas and strategies of state-level organizations to ensure the curriculum and accompanying materials were of the highest quality. Through a one-day training and focus group, hosted by the Texas Center for the Judiciary, we were able to obtain key insights and revisions to the video and booklet associated with the training program. Included in this group were high-level professionals representing:

•  Child Protective Services
• Texas Municipal Police Association
• Texas Education Agency
• Children’s Advocacy Centers of Texas
• Travis County District Attorney’s Office, and the
• Texas Alliance for Drug Endangered Children.

The course was field tested with school counselors in a local school district to demonstrate that the curriculum was effective. Evaluation results demonstrated an average pre-test score of 59.6% and average posttest score of 84.2%. On an ongoing basis, we pre- and post-tests learners and make adjustments to messaging to reinforce key points in the curriculum.

We now use this curriculum exclusively for training of professionals and parents, and are currently training other organizations across the state so that they can train in their communities.

Have you had us train your volunteers and staff?  It’s free.  We will come to you.  You can schedule by contacting education@dcac.org